Adopting Older Kids: Our Experience Pt 1

Adopting older kids is not easy. I'm not talking three or four year olds. I'm talking kids who are nearing puberty. Kids who, in the blink of an eye, would no longer be eligible for international adoption. We know darned well that we've had it "easy" compared to what many have gone through.

But "easy" is a relative term. You can read about my first evening with Axel here. Axel was 10 years old at the time of his adoption. Although he was the size of a 4 year old he was extremely strong. He'd had many years in the institutions of Subotica and Kulina. In both facilities, "survival of the fittest" is the rule, not the exception, and Axel was clearly fit. He knew how to protect himself, and I am guessing, by the time he came to me, he felt the need to protect himself from everything and everyone. Not only was there the obvious physical and psychological neglect, but there was the emotional neglect as well. Never having had the opportunity to form bonds, Axel was not about to trust anyone. Lets not forget the language difference. Axel  had no idea what I was saying. How confusing for this little boy to be sequestered with yet another person he couldn't communicate with.

Any child, raised in a stable environment for 10 years, would have trouble coping when placed with someone he can't understand. Axel didn't have the benefit of that stable environment. He knew nothing but pain, rejection and neglect. When he finally had let his guard down, living two years with a foster family, I came and ripped him away from all that.  Parenting a child like Axel wasn't going to be easy.  I had read everything I could get my hands on related to parenting a child traumatized in the way Axel had been, parenting a child who doesn't speak your language, parenting a child who didn't want to be parented. There isn't much out there!!  No amount of reading could 100% prepare me for that first meeting because there was no way to know all that Axel had experienced. I could only guess based on the lack of information I had prior to his adoption.

I had just nine days to get Axel from "feral child" to functioning at a level where he could tolerate airports and crowds. Imagine, if you have a child with autism who doesn't do crowds or loud noises, having just 9 days to fix the problem.

Every day I thank god for the behavioral tools He had so carefully placed in my belt through years of dealing with Angela's severely aggressive behavior. He allowed us the opportunity to work with a behavioral specialist who helped us understand the causes of various behaviors, or to look carefully for a cause - things such as fear, frustration, communication, anger, overstimulation - and address them accordingly. I never could have done what I did in nine short days, by myself, without anyone to give me a break had it not been for those opportunities.

Still, reading back on my account of that day, I made it sound "easy" compared to what it really was. If only you could have been in my head that day, as I sat on the bed with Axel in front of me, using my body to restrain him as I begged God for direction and clarity. If only you could have seen the tears streaming down my face as I sang "Jesus Loves Me" because if was the only thing my mind could come up with in the moment. If only you could have seen the bruises and bite marks I carried with me for the next week. If only you could feel my fear, wondering how we would survive the next several days together, how I would get him home alone, and how Dean and I would manage once we got there.

Looking for support, I skyped with another mom who had adopted older kids. She laughed. She offered no assistance or support what-so-ever other than to say, "I could have told you it would be hard."  I realized, then, she'd never adopted kids this old, or with a background such as Axel's. Actually, at the time I didn't personally know anyone who had. I was on my own.

In the end, Axel DID turn his behavior around. With firm limits put into place (no gray areas!) he was actually a delight to travel with. I knew upon arrival home Axel would present the same behaviors with Dean...yet another new person. The difference was I now knew some of what made Axel tick. I'd discovered some things that made him happy and things he was afraid of.

Go here to read "Adopting Older Kids: Our Experience Pt 2...Asher"

We're almost there!!!

Thanks to all of you who have so generously contributed, we have just $1000 left to raise!!! I have to tell you, our total goal ($3000) was the difference between weather or not Dean goes on this trip or stays home. We're still not *quite* there.

This trip is significant for many reasons. Of course, the most important is that we're brining B home!!! Oh, I can hardly stand the wait. Just 30 more days! But, it's more than that. It's really important for Dean to be part of this trip. To see B for that very first moment that only happens once in a lifetime. That first meeting is a bit like having your newborn baby placed in your hands as he or she takes that first breath. It will never happen again. Dean has never been part of this experience with our previous adoptions, and he NEEDS to be there for this one for this once-in-a-lifetime moment.

He also needs to see and experience where our children have come from. Where B is. What has influenced his development, or lack of it. Where do his behaviors come from. It is one thing to be told about it. To experience it for one's self is life altering.

But there is more....

Those who have been reading here for awhile know I'm a multi-tasker. Rarely do I just "go on a trip", even for adoption. Most of the time I have multiple agendas! (Dean is worried I'm going to have him exhausted. Mmmm could be!)

 First, we'll be meeting with Axel's birth family. I had the wonderful opportunity to meet with them during another trip. Dean has never met them and is anxious to hug the people who gave us the gift of our son. It is a rare opportunity for parents of an internationally adopted child to meet the birth family. To know the real story. We are so blessed! They want to be a voice for new parents of babies with Down syndrome so they, too can understand the blessings that come from raising these children. That they don't HAVE to go through the heartache of giving them up.

We have a couple other important meetings planned as well but they're not yet confirmed so my lips are sealed until we know for sure.

$1000. That is all that stands in the way. We are so very close. In another 10 -15 days we'll be purchasing airline tickets. So very, very close.

For all the newbies: Introductions

If you're one of my new readers, let me give you a bit of an introduction so you don't have to dig for it. ;-)

Dean and I have been together for almost 10 years now. Between us we had 6 kids. The oldest 5 boys are all adults now, living on their own.

We were down to just one kid left at home: Angela who has Down syndrome who is now 16.

Angela age 16

In April 2010 I made my first trip to Serbia and Bulgaria. In Eastern Europe, as well as other parts of the world, children with Down syndrome are often institutionalized at birth. It is a stigma to have such a child attached to your family. An embarrassment. A curse. During that trip we visited the Zvescanska institution in Belgrade, as well as some children living in foster care. When our time in Serbia was done we went to Bulgaria. My friend at the time was completing her first Bulgarian adoption. While there we also brought donated toys and therapy supplies to the Bulgaria DS association and spoke with Bulgarian parents who had chosen to go against the norm, keeping their children in their families as they were intended to be.

In July 2010 I connected with Cherish Our Children International. A US based 501c3 non-profit NGO registered in Serbia. They are on the ground in Serbia, working with children and adults with disabilities in Serbia as well as Croatia. (they work in many countries too, but this post is about Serbia.) They also provide dental care for children in institutional and foster care.

In December 2010 I returned to Serbia to complete the adoption of our son Axel. He was 10 years old at the time. Like Angela he also has Down syndrome. If you've watched the videos done by MSNBC, which are based on the investigation done by MDRI of Serbia's institutions, you have probably seen pictures of our Axel who spent time in both Subotica and Kulina, and was removed to foster care shortly after the investigation. Although Axel had been in a foster home for 2 years he still had a lot of catching up to do. He came to us at 10 years old weighing 42 lbs and wearing size 5 clothes. Two  years later he wears size 10 and is 70lbs! He had never seen the inside of a school. Now, home two years, he is reading and doing just amazingly well!

Axel age 12

In December 2011 I returned to Serbia, this time to bring home Asher who also has Down syndrome. He is 8 years old now. Asher was living in a Serbian institution which, by Serbian standards, provides fairly decent care. Unfortunately the children are still extremely underweight and lacking in the care which comes with living in a family setting. 7 years old at the time of his adoption, Asher weighed 30 lbs. and was wearing size 3t clothes. He came to us like a 6 month old who could walk.

Asher age 8

And now we're going back for B. Serbian law says I can't show you his picture or tell you his name. (which we'll be changing anyway) He is located in the same facility Asher came from. He is 9 years old and, according to his measurements, is the same size Asher is now. Asher wears size 4t clothes.

"B" age 9

I do most of my blogging on our main family blog Garden of Eagan. That's where I blog about life in general. This blog, my adoption blog, is dedicated to our time getting our new kids home! If you're new here, I'd love to hear from you. Please don't be shy about saying, "Hello!" in the comments!

We have teamed up with Project Hopeful, an 501c3 non-profit organization. We currently have two fundraisers going on. Our "FAMILY" artwork fundraiser, and our Kindle giveaway.

As of March 9th, we are still $1000 short of our goal. In the adoption world $1000 is nothing, but to us, it seems like a million dollars right now.

Thanks again for visiting!!! 

The AAA's made a video

Donate through Project Hopeful, a 501c3 non-profit organization

It's FIXED!!!

I was receiving emails from people saying the paypal button on the KINDLE fundraiser wasn't working. After messing around all morning I finally got it fixed!!! We're running out of time to raise the last of the money we need, being short $1900, and leaving in 34 days.

Spring Kindle Fundraiser

We are just one family working toward bringing home our 4th child with Down syndrome. Angela 16, Axel 12 and Asher 8 are all anxious to meet their new brother. No, we can't show you a picture of our son, which means there is no cute face for you to fall in love with. Serbia law prevents us from doing so.

We've already been matched with "B" by the Serbian government. He's one of "the least of these". At 9 years old with Down syndrome nobody wants him. BUT WE DO!!! God made our family just right for him. We have seen pictures of him and he is stunning He has already been told his Mama and Papa are coming for him. With only 35 days until we travel, just three weeks until we purchase airline tickets, but still $1900 short. To help us get there we're giving away one more special item:

Kindle 6" E Ink Display (Black) 

Kindle — small, light, and fast

Less than 6 ounces - lighter than a paperback, fits in your pocket New darker, hand-tuned fonts for easier reading Reads like paper with no glare, even in bright sunlight Download books in 60 seconds with built-in Wi-Fi Holds over 1,000 books - take your library wherever you go Massive book selection. Lowest prices. Over a million titles less than $9.99 180,000 Kindle-exclusive titles that you won't find anywhere else, including books by best-selling authors such as Kurt Vonnegut

How to enter:

This giveaway is now closed

$10 - 1 entry

$20 - 2 entries

$30 - 6 entries

Blog it and comment here with the link - one additional entry

Blog it AND Facebook it (tag me in the post) - 3 additional entries
Ends March 15, 2013
Rules:

I will only ship within the continental United States

If you win and live outside the US you are responsible for shipping fees.

On It's Way!

Our dossier is on it's way to Belgrade, Serbia! It's always hard to put those documents in the package, fill out the destination information, then hand it over to the clerk. Documents we have spent several weeks gathering - and paying for - are out of my hands and out of my control. If you are a person who struggles with being in control of everything, adoption is a good way to cure that!  It is kind of fun to track the package though, and is helpful if you are prone to obsessive behavior. LOL

What's left?

This is the part I  hate about adopting. I hate the part about fundraising. It is HARD! It isn't pleasant to post it on my Facebook wall or my blog every day. The difficulty is increased by the fact we're following the laws of Serbia and cannot  post a picture of our new little guy. There is no adorable face for you to fall in love with. In the adoption world, pictures go a long way. We don't have a big organization advocating for us. Project Hopeful is graciously allowing us to fundraise through them, and I really don't know what we'd do without them. A handful of friends have posted links to our story, and for that I am very thankful because it is hard to do it alone.

But enough of the whining. God has always had our back and he does this time too!

 We have one big purchase to make on the US side and that is airline tickets. All the rest of our expenses are in-country (translation, transportation, documents, lodging, food) At this point in the adoption, all that's left to do is wait. We're doing some preparations at  home, getting B's bed ready, preparing the kids, going through the boys' clothes to see what we need. (Thankfully not much since I have everything from size 3T - 10's!)  The only thing left for me to do now is raise the last $2000 before we travel in 39 days.

If you're interested in our fundraiser, you can find it by clicking here. Please don't be afraid to share with everyone you know!

1/3

We are 1/3 of the way to our fundraising goal! Thank you so much to everyone who has so generously contributed so far. We now have $2000 left to go and just 39 days to do it.

!!!!! 39 days !!!!! 

Typing that made my stomach turn in knots. There are an awful lot of things that need to happen in those 39 days.

If you're new to the blog, or haven't had a chance to visit our fundraiser yet, you can find it by clicking here.   

I am off to go calm my nerves. 

Random thought for the day: Immigration

When we adopted Axel, we had a slight problem with his adoption documents which we *thought* was quickly resolved.

When we adopted Asher the social security department rejected his birth certificate. Fortunately I'm in frequent contact with the Serbian government and was able to request a new set of documents. (which were mailed to me using snail mail and took seven weeks to get here!) At the same time, I learned about USCIS form G-884, which is a request for original documents. When you enter the country with your newly adopted child, you hand over to immigration officials your packet of gold, which is a sealed envelope containing one set of adoption documents. Form G-884 is a request for those documents to be returned to you. I filed this form for Asher's documents and 6 or 7 months later the arrived on my doorstep.

We were planning on having Axel go along on this trip to get B, which meant I needed to get him a US passport. When I brought my documents into the passport office the person at the counter suspected I we would have a problem because the birth certificate has an error on it. It is the same error that was on Asher's birth certificate. Interestingly both boys came from the same city within 12 months of one another. Their birth certificates were done by the same person in the same city in Serbia, and have the same error. We sent the forms off anyway in hopes it would be accepted. Unfortunately today we were informed we would need to provide a new set of documents. I have a new set of documents waiting for me in Serbia but that is 6 weeks away. At this point the passport rejection just confirmed for us that Axel should stay home this time. Although we had some big plans for him while there, and I was anxious for those who knew him "before" to see the new Axel, we'll let this issue be our decision maker. In the meantime, just like I did for Asher, I'm going to request his original documents from Immigration.

So here is my thought for the day regarding B's adoption.  Wouldn't it make sense to file the request for original documents WITH that magic envelope when we enter the US with B? I mean, if they have the request for originals right then, doesn't it make sense to process his file, then upon completion send his original documents rather than waiting until after his file has gone to some storage facility? In my head this makes sense, but we all know that things don't always make sense within the federal government.

And that, my friends, is my random thought for today. Please don't forget to check out our fundraiser! So far $550  $650 dollars have been raised, which will cover shipping of the items plus one of several in-country expenses. Thank you SO MUCH to everyone who has given so far. I don't have a list of contributors so please don't be shy about commenting and letting me know so I can thank you personally. 

Oh Happy Day!

I couldn't find the video I wanted but I like this one too. It conveys how I'm feeling today.



We have been waiting, and waiting, and waiting some more for our homestudy to bet put into our hands. It was completed two weeks ago but they were waiting on one more document so the date could be added to the homestudy. Today it came in!!! Unfortunately we're in the middle of a major snow storm here and a lot of offices are closed, including our homestudy agency. So, first thing Monday morning I'll be on their doorstep. We're in a race against the clock at this point, but I am happy. So very very happy!

Shoes

Angela  (who is 16 and has Down syndrome for all you new readers) can be a bit of a problem to find footwear for. First of all, she has very tiny feet - the size of a preschooler - so finding shoes that don't look like little kids shoes can be a bit of a problem. She has needed new shoes for awhile because, while her feet don't grow anymore, her orthotics put a lot of stress on shoes, ripping through them by about month 3-4. A friend of mine posted some FUN shoes a couple weeks ago, and although they're quite flashy, they are SO ANGELA!! I hoped they would fit her orthotics. They came today and they are actually easier to get on than her current shoes. And...best of all...she LOVES THEM! Don't you?

As she was walking around modeling her new shoes, an image came to mind. It was of Axel the day I was given custody of him. I'd brought an outfit for him (that he was drowning in!) along with a brand new winter coat, hat, gloves, and shoes.

Axel loved his new clothes, especially that he had a plaid shirt like his foster father!

But what Axel liked most was his shoes. I never saw him in shoes when I visited, but he was always wearing slippers. (no walking around in bare or stocking feet in Serbia!) Those slippers were 2 sizes too small. When I put his new shoes on his feet he was just beside himself. He went around the house showing everyone his new shoes. He took them off and put them back on. Shoes. HIS shoes. He was so proud!

Then I thought of Asher. When I was still visiting him in the institution I brought his new shoes to make sure they fit. Asher's were light-up shoes. He was fascinated for a few minutes, but the caregivers are who gave the biggest reaction. They were fascinated by his light up shoes. His cheap $15 light up shoes. One of the caregivers said to me, "These children will never have anything so nice in their life. He is lucky to be loved." I knew what she meant. That he was lucky enough to have found a family. I know his birth family cared about him very much, but to give a child in the institution something like shoes would be pointless as they'd soon disappear. When I was finally able to take him from the institution, the orphan shoes he had been wearing were removed from his feet and handed to the next child. Asher and his new flashy shoes were now free to walk the streets of the world.

And then there is B. For nine plus years he has been wearing shoes that have been worn by 20 other children. They may or may not fit. That doesn't really seem to be all that important, since tomorrow he may wear a different pair, and a different pair the day after that! At nine years old B has never had a pair of shoes to call his own. We will bring along an inexpensive pair of shoes just in case they don't fit, but when we get home we will buy him shoes that better suit his personality. B has never had a mother take him to a store, find a pair of shoes that fit him just right, pay for them, then let him proudly carry the bag home. Because they're his.

Today, during my vast amount of spare time, I was looking at shoe websites, imagining what kind of shoes B might like.

Will he choose blue?

 Or maybe he'll like really bright colors?

 Bold and brazen?

 Perhaps he'll prefer high tops? 

I can't wait to buy B his first pair of shoes. 

Spring "Family" Fundraiser

Welcome to our FAMILY fundraiser! 

We're adding one more Spring to our family! Little "B", who is 9 years old, will be joining us in April 2013, which means we don't have much time. Thanks to a very generous friend, we only have $3000 left to raise! We're teaming up with Project Hopeful to raise the last little bit of money we need to cover our in-country expenses. Project Hopeful is a 501c3 organization and all contributions are

tax deductible.

This fundraiser has raised:

!!!Fundraiser ends March 15th!!!

For every person who contributes $10 to Project Hopeful in our name, your name will be entered to win the following items: 

American Sign Language 
"FAMILY"

Charcoal print 24 inch wide  x 13 1/2 inch print: $150 value

This is the ONLY print of the original piece  you can read the story behind it here.
Wouldn't this be GREAT with all your family pictures surrounding it? 

Scentsy Easter Basket

Includes: 

 Scentsy Easter Egg Warmer (full size), 6 scent bars: Huckleberry Sage, Neverland, Lotus Cove,   Mandarin Moon, Lemons and Berries, Happy Go Lucky, and 2 room sprays

Huckleberry Sage, Lemons and Berries: Value $70

Signing Time DVD set

Includes the following DVD's: Nice to Meet You, Happy Birthday to You, Move and Groove, 

My Favorite Season, Going Outside, Days of the Week,

My Favorite Sport. Also includes the music CD from this volumeValue $140

And FYI, for all you Signing Time lovers in the TC metro area, Rachel will be coming to Maple Grove April 27th!

REDEFINE Marco Exfoliator

By the makers of Proactive, the Redefine Marco Exfoliator 

is part of their new product line for adults. Includes rechargeable MARCO exfoliator, MARCO Exfoliator cooling gels, Charging Base, AC adapter, User guide, Quick start guide, Tip cleaning brush, Spare exfoliation filter, Spare filter pads, tweezers. Value: $279

To participate, use the Project Hopeful button located on my right sidebar. 

Every $10 is one entry
Enter as many times as you like! :-)
THIS GIVEAWAY IS NOW CLOSED

• Please make sure to leave your contact information with your entry to Project Hopeful. 
• Names will be drawn by a Project Hopeful representative.
• Names will be drawn for prizes in this order 1) "FAMILY" print 2) Scentsy Easter Basket 3) Signing Time DVD set 4) Redefine Marco Exfoliator
• I will only ship within the continental United States. If you enter to win from outside the continental U.S. you are responsible for shipping costs. 

ASL FAMILY

A couple years ago I was at the home of my good friend Ann. Hanging over her stairs was the most amazing charcoal depiction of an ASL (American Sign Language) sign, done by artist Kyle Marsh. I'd never seen a drawing in which you could see the movement of the sign. I loved it. And I wanted one. Only I wanted a different sign used, I just didn't know what and needed to think about it for several..umm....months!

That was until this past fall. We have an empty wall in our dining room that really needed...well it needed something. That's when I realized it needed a Kyle Marsh drawing!  The ASL sign depicted needed to be meaningful to our lives here, and it needed to be something that, when put to canvas, would fit the space.

I knew exactly what it would be.

I contacted Kyle and explained to him what I wanted, and why. ASL is an important part of our family. I was a sign language interpreter for many years before Angela came along, then came Axel and Asher  joined our family and both communicate using ASL. There is also "B" who is on our way to our family and I'm told is also non-verbal. ASL is is critical to our family. 

It's been very interesting to watch Kyle's process. Out of our conversations has come a one-of-a-kind rendition of my vision. Isn't it beautiful? I'm in love with it! 

4ft wide x 2 ft tall

FAMILY

If you're not familiar with ASL, this is the sign for "family" put to charcoal. Isn't it beautiful? It has just been completed and is going on our dining room wall. Later we'll be putting all of our family pictures around it!

Please go here to see how you, too, can win your own print of "Family"!

Monday

Make sure you check back on Monday when I hope to have something really cool posted! If your child or family uses American Sign Language (ASL)  you're a member of the deaf community, or who have friends who are, please spread the word!

I'll give you a hint. It involves the most awesome FAMILY!

Nesting

Now that we have a date, and things are rolling left and right, the nesting but has hit me. If you're new to the world of adoption, you may not realize that moms who are adopting next just like mothers who are pregnant! Its an interesting phenomenon!

Yesterday I felt the urge to clean a closet or paint a room. You'll be happy to know I resisted the urge to do either one of those things! HA! But today is a new day and I just can't resist some of the urges I have. I really am thankful God gives us these bursts of ambition to get things done that normally would continue to get shoved off to the side. Today I'm putting all our utilities and other monthly bills into my bank's bill-pay system so I can pay them all in one stop while I'm out of the country. I've been meaning to do this for awhile but keep procrastinating. Today I've finally gotten it done.

Next up is Angela's room. It is a disaster! There are things in there that she doesn't use or play with that just need to be gotten rid of, and other things that  need to be moved to the main play area for the boys.

Also on my agenda is to pick up a bed for "B". It feels real when the new child has a bed here! It also helps to explain to the boys, who have limited language, that soon someone else will be sleeping here.

I can't wait to find out what size "B" wears so I can get a few things for him. I have lots of clothes that Axel has outgrown that I'm sure will fit him. Actually, between Axel and Asher I have clothes from size 10 down to size 3, but still I'd like to get him just a couple of new outfits. Every child, particularly one coming out of an institution, deserves to have a couple things that have never been worn by anyone else!

Checking out the luggage situation, how many carry-ons do we have, etc.

Getting another medication dispenser for the kids. (this is needed for those who are staying with the kids while we're gone.)

I need to do something different with the laundry, only I don't know what. We utilize a "family closet" (like the Duggars do, only on a much smaller scale! LOL) and it really works well. I just need to figure out where "B's" clothes will fit in there. I guess I'll have to wait and see what size he's wearing. I also need to go through Asher's clothes again because that boy is growing out of stuff!

Clean out the bathroom linen closet.

Clean out the billiard room which, since we got rid of the pool table, has now become a storage room.

Move boys toy's downstairs or there isn't room for B's bed.

Type out, print and post the daily schedule, particular the comings and goings of kids.

Check all three school schedules to make sure the are no schedule late starts or days off while we're planning to be gone, and if there are we can schedule accordingly.

Loose 25 lbs.

I think that's about it! LOL

We have a date!

We have our ministry meeting penciled in on the calendar of the Serbian ministry.

Two different things are happening this week. First, our dossier will be Fedexed to the translator in Serbia. At the same time it will be sent to USCIS for approval and we'll wait for fingerprints and approval.

We're officially in a race against the calendar!

Fundraising

If you're coming here from reader, I have some widgets added to the sidebars.

On the left side is a list showing where we're at in the actual adoption process, another list showing what's been paid so far, and a thermometer showing where we're at with the financial side of the adoption. On the right sidebar is a chip-in button. (THANK YOU to those who have been so generous so far!)

A friend of mine, a fellow adoptive mom, recently posted something about adoption fundraising that I really liked. A lot of people did, really.

When a family seeks help in raising funds for an adoption, it's not like asking people to pitch in toward a new boat, or help pay for a vacation. What they are doing is committing to heal, with God's help, a child who has suffered the profound damage of being unwanted and unloved. They are obediently living out the command given in James 1:27 to care for the orphan, clothing the gospel of Christ's redemption in flesh and blood and now. When they ask for the body of Christ to come alongside them financially and prayerfully, they are giving us the opportunity to be a part of the miracles God works through obedience. ~ Ashley Paradis Moreno

I don't think people who aren't involved with the adoption community realize what it takes to adopt. A family may be fully financially capable of supporting another family member in the house, (We certainly can!) and they have to pass the US income requirements to adopt, but coming up with a huge chunk of change to pay for the expenses of an adoption is a very different thing. Like Ashley stated above, we're not going out and buying a boat to play with. We're not taking a fancy vacation or buying a big screen T.V. Once we were matched with our son in December, all the luxuries came to a screeching halt.

Many of the families I know have had to raise tens of thousands of dollars. I can't even imagine having to do that when we're swallowing hard at an adoption under $13,000!

Which brings us to where we are today. We have to raise approximately $4,000 before we can travel to bring B home. Although we don't have an exact date yet, ( we won't set a date until we get our final approvals) we do know we have approximately 8 weeks to raise the last of our funds.  I have a very unique fundraiser coming up very soon! If you know anyone who uses ASL (American Sign Language) in their home - families who are deaf, or with kids who are deaf, or kids with other disabilities who are lacking in verbal language so they're signing instead, anyone using ASL - they will love this fundraiser!

I'm hoping to have it up in the next week. I'll need help spreading the word when I finally post it! I'm not one of those BNB's (Big Name Bloggers) with a huge following who can raise thousands of dollars with a single post. We're not a popular name in the adoption community and most don't have a clue who we are. We don't have some big crisis surrounding our adoption which gets everyone screaming from the mountaintops.  We're just a family trying to get our son home. But we do know that God has this. He knows every penny we need and he'll make sure we have it. He did for both Axel and Asher's adoptions.

Now, just because I can hardly stand it,  here's a bit of a teaser for you. This is the picture we received on Christmas Eve. I wish I could show you his face. He's incredible!

Wanna know what I'm doing tonight?

Tonight I'm filling out my I-600A!!!

For those who are familiar with this form, you understand why I'm excited!

But I have many readers who are not familiar with adoption. The I-600A is a significant step in the international adoption process! Once the homestudy is complete it, along with this form and a check for $890, is sent to the US Department of Homeland Security Citizenship and Immigration Services (USCIS). It is the petition to adopt a child from a foreign, non-Hague country.

Once the petition is received in the USCIS office, an immigration officer is assigned who will review the homestudy then either a) request further information or b) issue an appointment for fingerprints. This appointment is usually about 2 weeks out. Fortunately our nearest immigration office allows for walk-in appointments as long as you bring your appointment notice with you.

After USCIS receives our fingerprints it takes around two weeks to receive paper approval. This paper is called the I-171H, and is THE golden ticket that allows us to travel to bring B home!

Adopting an Older Child

Most of the people I know who are adopting kids with Down syndrome via international adoption prefer to adopt younger kids; those under 3 or 4 years old. I know a few who have adopted a little bit older, like 5 or 6 years old. Those who adopt kids older than that are in the minority. Most people won't even consider the older kids because they've been in institutional care longer - meaning more damage done. I have to laugh, because Dean and I have never even considered adopting a younger child! We're too old for infants and toddlers so older kids seemed perfect for us.

Let me tell you our experiences with adoption thus far:

When we adopted Axel he was 10 years 4 months old. He had spent his first 8 1/2 years in institutional care, in some of the worst facilitates in Serbia. How he survived those places is beyond me! The last 18 months prior to adoption he was in a foster home with experienced foster parents. Because they had him for those months, they went through what was probably the worst of his de-institutionalization. I know they worked very hard because when he came to us he had a lot of really good skills, like making a bed, dressing himself and things like that. The behavior management was left up to us. ;-) I won't sugar coat things. Axel's behavior when I first took custody of him was beyond difficult. He was, for lack of a better term, a feral child. I was very surprised! When visiting the foster home he was really quite well behaved the first day. The second day he pulled me hair, then looked around to see if anyone noticed. The third day when his family member was getting him dressed to go with me he was laughing hysterically while kicking her in the face and pulling her hair. I figured it was just stress induced. (At the time I had no idea he didn't understand the language spoken in their home so he didn't understand they were telling him he was going with me.) That first day with him was rough. Lucky for me at 10 years old he was the size of a typical 4 year old so he was easier to manage.

By the time 10 days had flown by and it was time to fly home with him, Axel's behavior had improved dramatically. Still, I knew Dean would have to start from scratch with him, but for me Axel was great.

Axel has been home for 26 months now. He's doing FANTASTIC! While his behavior at school took awhile to sort out, at home he's been great for a very long time. He plays appropriately most of the time and has developmentally appropriate responses to things. When we got him he was developmentally around 2-3 years old with language that was more like a 12-14 month old. Now he is developmentally more like a 5-6 year old with receptive language around 4 1/2 years old. (Which is a HUGE gain in 2 years!) Although he is technically in 5th grade, he goes to mainstream classes with 2nd graders which is where he is physically. His phy ed. teacher says he fits right into what they're doing in reg. phy ed. class, which is wonderful!!

Axel is just an awesome kid, and a joy to be around. I wish everyone could have a kid just like Axel!

Axel the first time I met him in March 2010 age 9 1/2.

Axel today, age 12 1/2

And then there is Asher. We adopted Asher one month after he turned 7.

The first time I met him I was shocked. I'm not sure why because I'd gotten his height and weight before I traveled. He was 31lbs and 40.6 inches tall. That is the size of a typical 3 year old. But when I saw him in person for the first time, he seemed to be so much of a baby. His walk was that of a brand new walker: unstable, with his hands held in "high guard" position at all times. He ate independently but only apple sauce consistency foods. He had no clue about stairs. He didn't make a sound. Developmentally he was like a walking 6 month old.

Dean and I weren't prepared for an infant or toddler. We had planned on a 7 year old with DS, so significant delays plus throw in some institutional stuff. When Asher and I first arrived home, he turned our little world upside down. Suddenly there was this little person who needed SO MUCH 1:1 care. Don't get me wrong, we didn't have a problem providing it, we just weren't prepared for it.

Even with all the care he needed, Asher was, and still is, a pretty easy kid! Well, as easy as a 2 year old can be because developmentally that's where he's at. Two years progress in just one year is amazing if you ask me!

Asher, age 7, the day I met him November 2011, 31 lbs and 40 inches tall.

Asher today, age 8, 46 inches and 48 lbs. 

Watching the rapid growth and development that happens when you bring an older child home is probably one of the most awesome things I've ever had the opportunity to witness. Every day I thank God for allowing us this opportunity. We enjoy it so much that we're willing to do it one more time! Our new son is 9 years old. We don't know when he turns 10. He has been in institutional care his entire life. I don't yet know how big he is (I'll ask closer to travel time when I need to get him clothes). I know a little about where he's at developmentally, but really, everything is going to be a surprise this time!

Dare I say it?

The paperwork is done! Everything is signed. The only thing left for me to do is pick up Dean's medical statement.

The next step is a home visit with the social worker which should be sometime next week. Once the Adam Walsh clearance comes back (I hear they're taking as long as 4 weeks right now. Anyone know?) we'll have the homestudy in our hands.

Once we have our homestudy in our hands, our dossier - aka "the paper baby" - will be sent to the translator in Serbia. I'm hoping it will only take a week or so to translate. While this is happening another copy of our homestudy will be sent to USCIS for approval. That process is currently running 4-6 weeks, which puts us to about mid-March. As soon as we have  USCIS approval we can set a travel date!!

Document gathering complete!

We have influenza raging in our household, All the sick people are doing nothing but laying on the couch sleeping (or talking deliriously in the case of Axel who thinks he's speaking English but he's NOT and we can't understand anything he's saying!)  Since nobody is moving very fast, and Asher and I are the only ones not sick, I took the opportunity to finally get the necessary documents we needed!

Today I:

Dropped off medical forms for the kids at pediatrician's office
Picked up medication for Axel
Stopped at the police station to request local background check
Went to doctor's office for my physical
Back to police station to pick up local background check
Went to BCA to pick up state background check
Stopped at work to pick up proof of employment
Went back to doctor's office to pick up medical statement
Back to Peds office to pick up kids' medical statements
Gathered all financial documents
Gathered asset documents

Guess what? DONE! All our document gathering is done.

My plan was to drop everything off at the Homestudy agency office on Friday, then our homestudy can be completed and I can get it in the mail to USCIS!

Rock-n-roll!!!! 

hang on little boy

hang on little boy
your mama is coming.
soon the nights
of comforting yourself
to sleep
will end.

hang on little boy
your mama is coming.
soon your night time thirst
will be quenched by a glass
of cool water
whenever you want.

hang on little boy
your mama is coming.
never again
will you go to bed
without
a bedtime snack.

hang on little boy
your mama is coming.
she will chase away
all the monsters
you fear
in the night.

hang on little boy
your mama is coming.

This is me

This is me and adoption paperwork.

I got by really easy with Asher. I had our original homestudy for Axel approved for more than one child. All but a couple of my documents were still good, the homestudy was super easy to update (because my documents were still current) and USCIS was still good for another 6 months. Easy Peasy!

I hate starting over. Blech! This was my week to crank out a lot of stuff but instead we've been dealing with sick kids and miscellaneous other stuff. I've gotten nothing done that I wanted to. 

It will get done eventually, but I need to do it quickly to travel when we're hoping to. Adoption is not for the faint of heart, that's for sure! 

Money talk

You may have noticed I've been messing with the numbers in the list of B's adoption expenses. The thing that went up the most was airfare.

For both Axel and Asher's adoptions I traveled alone, so the airfare was significantly less. This time Dean is traveling with me for the first half of the trip. This will be our last adoption and he needs to be there! To get to lay eyes on his new son and see where he's been living is a part of the process Dean has missed out on but something he needs to experience. Also, Axel is coming along! There are a couple different reasons for Axel to go. First, if there are going to be any problems while I'm gone, it's going to be with Axel. LOL When I traveled for Asher's adoption, Dean ended up having to pull Axel out of school for a week because he was so naughty. The second reason is one that requires much prayer, planning and discussion, but importantly PRAYER. I will be traveling home alone with both boys. Lucky for me Axel is very easy to travel with and I'm sure he will be quite helpful in getting B home. Please Lord let "B" be as easy as Axel!

I have also added a couple of gadgets to the blog. On the left sidebar is a thermometer so you can see where we're at overall. I know when we started our first adoption I found it helpful to see how other families were "getting there". Also, I just like visuals. LOL

On the right sidebar I've added a chip-in button. I *think* that is all we will need to fundraise for this adoption. (Please Lord, let me be right this time!) I'm hoping to have a fundraiser coming up soon, I'm just waiting to hear that the item is completed.

There is always a question of having a money cushion. Remember the volcano??? Not only do volcanos happen, but if you're supposed to be flying they are very damaging financially. And also they might cause a person to freak out.

Well, we know "B" will be home before we know it. I can hardly wait!

You know you're adopting when....

This is probably post number 27 in what should just be an ongoing series. It seems, once families start the adoption process, stuff happens. Most of the time it's stuff that affects the much guarded adoption budget!

When we started Axel's adoption, it seems as soon as we sent our dossier to Serbia the engine in my SUV seized up while I was driving down the road. We needed to purchase another car.

When we started Asher's adoption appliances started to die. The refrigerator died just a couple weeks after we got home. In fact, from September 2011 to March 2012 we replaced every appliance in the house.

So here we go again. I was excited for today. I was going to bring a big check to our homestudy agency so we can get that process done and over with. First I needed to get the kids out the door. Angela left first, then Axel. I went down to talk to Axel's bus driver because there have been some...ahem...issues on the bus that needed to be dealt with.

I went back to the house to take a shower while Asher watched Sesame street. (Ok, really the TV is on so he CAN watch Sesame Street, but what he really does is constantly stick his hand into the shower to touch the water spray. ) Got out of the and switched loads of laundry around. When we went back upstairs there was a text on my phone...sigh...I needed to pay a visit to Axel's school, which meant not putting Asher on the bus but dropping him off later instead.

We got to school and made our way to Axel's classroom. While Asher flirted with Axel's teacher, Axel and I had a bit of a discussion about behavior on the bus. Then it was back to the van to get Asher at school. I strapped Asher in then turned on the ignition.

Click click.

OMG no not today.

click click.

Dollar signs started flashing before my eyes. I have EXACTLY the amount I need for the homestudy and the household bills.

Click click.

Dear Lord. Pretty pretty pretty please make this an easy fix.

Click click.

I'm glad I chose to add the roadside assistance option to my auto insurance plan. They were there within a few minutes. They guy said something about needing a new battery, and I replied with something about this being the wrong day for that. He asked why and I explained. He laughed and said, "You know, when you're going the direction the Lord wants you to go, the Devil will do whatever he can to make you trip and fall."

My van back on the road, I dropped Asher off at school then went to the auto supply place to get a new battery. The sales guy was kind enough to put it in for me, asking about my day and where I was headed. I told him of our adoptions and our hope to get our new son home this spring. "Ah, the Devil has thrown a speed bump into your day. I'll pray he leaves you alone the rest of the day."

The homestudy agency has shortened hours on Fridays, and I made it just before they closed. Sadly I learned that the social worker who does our home studies has been diagnosed with breast cancer and will be having surgery next week. Please pray for her and her family!

So today's "speed bump" only cost $100 but I know, almost to the penny, how much is needed along the way. I know just how big those speed bumps can get as we move closer to bringing our son home. They always seem to get bigger....and more expensive. We're at the point in the game where I'm starting to obsess about money, constantly recalculating how much each step will cost, watching airfare and currency exchange rates, planning what week various steps need to be completed in order to travel when we're hoping to.

Here's to hoping any additional bumps don't do too much damage!

Congratulations?

I remember back 26 years ago when I told people I was expecting my first baby. Even though I was only 19, I was married, and people said "Congratulations". Most of them anyway.

When we had baby number two, people said "Congratulations" and shared in our excitement.

When I announced my pregnancy with Angela, and then a few months later that we were having a girl (there were 4 boys by that time) everyone was so very excited!!!

Adopting is very much like a pregnancy. The whole process of pulling together the documents is all part of it. The emotions are all the same. we worry, we fret, we go through a nesting phase (several of them, actually). For those who have never done it, there is a reason people refer to it as a "paper pregnancy"! And knowing our child has a diagnosis is like having a prenatal diagnosis with our pregnancy. There are a lot of unknown, particularly with his behavior. We're preparing for the worst and hoping for the best!

Fast forward many years to our first adoption of Axel. Those in the adoption community were very excited for us. They understood where we were at.

But, that's where the congratulations stopped. Instead we got lots of questions, "Are you sure you want to do this? Why would you want to do this? Don't you realize how much work another child with Down syndrome will be? (umm we probably understand more than the person asking since we've been living the life for 14 years by that point!) But you're not going to be able to have any FUN! When will you ever get out on your motorcycles again?" In the end people were excited to meet him and we know he is adored by all. That is important!

When we announced our adoption of Asher, the response was similar. Granted, we didn't give anyone a lot of time to digest the information. Although Dean and I had submitted our dossier (packet of adoption paperwork) to the Serbian government months before, by the time we were matched with Asher and getting on a plane was a matter of days. Still, everyone knew we were waiting to be matched but still there was nothing. No congratulations. Yes, everyone adored him once he was here.  I guess that is most the important part.

Here we are again. We have spent the last couple of weeks sharing our news with those close to us. Those in the adoption community or who we spend a lot of time with get it. They're excited for us. From everyone else we've gotten lots of frowns and fake smiles and "Oh...ummm....wow...ok." kind of responses. Only twice. Only twice have we heard "congratulations" outside of the adoption community.  Instead we're asked, "Why? Why would you want to do this AGAIN? But you don't have any time to yourselves. Will you ever get to ride again?" It's as if we never would have thought of any of these things on our own. As if we haven't discussed these things time and time again between the two of us.  The same people who give this reaction are the same ones who wonder why they're not among the first to know.

We're "pregnant". With our third child TOGETHER. Our LAST baby. This isn't an unplanned or unwanted pregnancy. We're SO EXCITED for our upcoming arrival. I just wish everyone would be excited with us. We have three very special kids here in our house. We cherish them. We know and understand what the boys'  lives would be like today if they weren't with us. We understand the circumstances our new son is living in and we can't wait to get him out. We can't wait to meet our new son!

Merry Christmas!

I've been awake since 4:30 this morning, hoping I would find an email in my box today. Oh how thrilled I was to see that email address!

Today for Christmas we received the best gift! A picture of our  new son! I wish I could share it with you. Instead I will just have to tell you our observations. LOL

First, unlike Asher who although he is just a few months younger still looks very much like a baby, our new son LOOKS like his age.

He has the same big front teeth that Axel has, which is interesting because they are so atypical of kids with DS. Angela and Asher both have the more common, very tiny teeth.

He has the most awesome smile!

His tongue is IN his mouth and not being sucked on! Oh they joy!!!! Because I'm telling you, dealing with the tongue sucking is a pain in the neck!

He looks like a very happy boy (based on a single picture with a single smile. LOL)

And, we have chosen a name, but you will have to wait until we meet him to learn what that is. 

How do you choose a child?

Choosing a child to adopt is so hard! No matter what child you choose, you know that others are being left behind. Some will get lucky and have a family come for them....eventually...but the vast majority will never experience that love. Never. Ever. They will be forever alone.

Can you imagine that? Now imagine this fate for a child who has severe medical, physical, or cognitive differences. The "least of these". Nobody is banging down doors competing for these children. There are no waiting lists full of families who want to adopt them.

The just wait. Most of them don't know what they're waiting for because they've never even heard the words "mother" or "father". They don't know what life could be like.

For our family, the decisions went like this:

First, we had to decide if we wanted to adopt internationally again or adopt a child from here in the US.  I have several friends who are currently struggling through domestic adoptions and they make international adoptions look like a piece of cake! Many people ask, "Why not adopt one of "ours?" (meaning a child from here in the US.) My first question is, "I have absolutely considered it. Have YOU?" This question often comes from people who've never even bothered to help out an adoptive family, much less choose to adopt themselves. Anyway, we looked into kids on the US waiting child lists, looking for kids who might fit into our family. While there were a couple, the process to get them was daunting. We're familiar with adopting from Serbia. We understand the process, the costs and the time frame are predictable.

Next we had to decide on age. A child needed to be close to either Angela's age group or close to the boys, but not developmentally younger than Asher. I say it that way because I could could be 5 and developmentally beyond where Asher is now, and we really want him to remain the baby of the family.

What type of special needs? Now this was tough for us! We were open to pretty consider pretty much any child. We didn't know yet what child was meant to be in our family so we were worried about making our criteria too narrow. Angela, Axel and Asher all have Down syndrome. If our next child didn't have DS would he or she felt left out of the chromosomal party we have going on here? If there is one thing we know, it is Down syndrome. We can see a child with DS who is coming from institutional care and...most of the time...know if what we're seeing is "just DS" or is related to post institutional issues. Anyway, we considered several children with a variety of special needs. This was SO HARD! There are so many "what if?" and potential hidden diagnosis with any internationally adopted child. Not only did I start reading information websites, but also started contacting families who are parenting children with needs similar to those we were considering. It seemed overwhelming sometimes, and we've done this a couple times before!

Boy or girl? Well, there has to be boys and girls available to even make a choice in the first place. Back in September and October there were no children who met our criteria at all, and suddenly in November there were! Finally a couple weeks ago we were able to narrow it down to just two children; one boy and one girl.

 Oh, these decisions are so difficult! We always have taken this decision very seriously, but I have to be honest with you about my emotions about this adoption. This is our last one. We are done. When this adoption is complete so will our family be. (and no, it's not possible for us to change our mind about that.) For some reason this seems like a bigger decision that Axel and Asher's adoptions were. Maybe part of that comes from the process being so different for each of  our kids. In Axel's case, we were planning to adopt another child who turned out  not to be a legal orphan. Our hearts were broken but we decided to adopt whoever was next most in danger. At the time it was Axel. With Asher, there were only a few kids who met our criteria, and when we narrowed it down to two we realized one of them would require us to make a change to our USCIS paperwork because of when her birthday fell. Also, she wasn't walking yet and I just didn't feel I could carry a non-walking 6 year old around. (and having met the child previously I knew she wasn't a tiny petite thing!) By description Asher seemed the better fit for our family. But this time? This time we agonized (well, probably me more than Dean!)  Dean and I discussed each child and all of the different scenarios, the potential for undiagnosed syndromes or medical problems, our ability to learn ourselves and provide the best possible care for each child, as well as  how each child would fit in with our other three here at home.

The one thing we do not take into consideration is how the children look. We are going by profiles only and not faces. I do like the process this way. There is no tendency to fall in love with a picture and in our heads create a personality to go with that picture, only to find it doesn't really fit.

By description we know that both chronologically and developmentally Little B will fit right in between Axel and Asher. Now, I do learn pretty quickly! Asher was considerably developmentally much younger than what we were expecting. Don't get me wrong, the description I had was accurate, there just wasn't enough of it for us to get a clear picture of where Asher was in his development. We could have asked more questions but decided that it was just as easy to get on a plane and meet him instead of fill the ministry's email box with my daily questions! LOL So, by description, B fits right in between our boys. Is it possible we will get there and find he's actually behind where Asher is? Yes, this is totally possible but I trust the information I was given and at this point have no reason to think it's inaccurate.

So, that is how WE made our choice this time. Several of you reading are adoptive parents. How did you decide which child or children to add to your family?

On re-naming

 I think I mentioned previously that it starts with a "B". Yesterday we found out our new little guy's name.

A couple people have left comments about names in general and inevitably the subject of why we re-name comes up. I have had comments in the past stating "Their birth name is the only thing they have left that is "theirs", and "Re-naming adds to the trauma of adoption."

We take into consideration several things when we choose to rename our kids. The first thing is where our kids come from. Let me tell you something: There is nothing positive associated with the birth names of  our kids. In many cases, particularly in institutional care, their name was used only when they were being disciplined or abused. In particular, Asher's name was only used when he was being ordered around. There was no affection ever associated with his name. Their birth names have already been associated with trauma. Their new names have only positives associated with them. New start, new life, new name. Both boys knew their new names within a couple of days. In the dog training world there is a game we play to teach dogs their names. I play the same game with my kids when they get their new names. Work's great!

Then there is how the name sounds or looks in print. Axel's birth name is Djordje. It's a beautiful name, however American's butcher it to pieces when they see it, and understandably so. My kids aren't able to speak enough (or at all in the case of Asher) to correct someone who cannot say their name. Asher's birth name, "Lazar" is pronounced similar to "Lah Zer", Because we haven't done a legal name change yet, whenever we're dealing with insurance companies or anyone else that comes across his legal  name, they pronounce it "Laser", as in a beam of light.

Next is our kids ability to pronounce it. We have three kids with significant speech impairments. They need to be able to pronounce their own names. Granted at this point we don't know if Asher will ever talk or even attempt to say his name, but from an articulation perspective, "Asher" is much easier to say than "Lazar". ( Which is why Axel is able to say it. LOL I don't think he'd ever be able to say "Lazar" and there is no way he'd ever be able to pronounce his own birth name.)  Based on all that, we know enough about our new little guy now that he will likely be getting a new name. If I had known this before, Angela would have a very different name because hers is quite difficult for her to say. All my kids have name signs. It's also a safety issue. We have one who cannot write legibly enough for her name to be read and she won't tolerate an ID bracelet (or jewelry of any kid, for that matter.)  and Asher may never write, so they need to be able to SAY or somehow spell their name.

As for "A" names, the jury is out. We weren't going to have another A name the last time, but God pretty much decided for us. (there's a story about how that verse was brought to my attention.) As expected we constantly stumble over the kids' names, but ...well...I have three dogs with very different names and I stumble over them too, so I don't think the problem is with the names. LOL

So..that's where we stand on the re-naming issue. 

Some Joy for Today

I was going to post this last week. However, with the tragedy that our nation faced on Friday, with parents loosing their hearts within the halls of Sandy Hook Elementary School, I just couldn't bring myself to share.

But today...today we need joy. We need a smile. As the country says goodbye to it's most innocent members, we want to announce the expected "birth" of our newest family member.

In a room, on the other side of the world, sits a boy who is completely unaware that his life is about to change.

He is not a little boy. No, he has waited many years for a family to call his own. He is a child nobody else wants, a child passed over again and again because he is "different", and he's not cute and little anymore. He has watched Mamas and Tata's come to his home and leave with his friends, never to be seen again. His hope is almost gone.

But this mom...this mom is coming back, and this time the Tata is coming too!  This time it is HIS turn. A Mama and Tata for him! Brothers and a sister. A bed that has not been slept in by hundreds of others, clothes that are his and not shared with multitudes, shoes for his feet and nobody else's. A place for him at the family table as well as in the family van.

Please join us on our journey to bring "B" home. He'll be here before we know it!