For those who are new here, most of my posting happens on my other blog, The Garden of Eagan.
I will continue to post adoption related content here, but everything else happens on the other site. Thanks for hanging out with me!
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Four Months Ago
Four months ago today, Axel walked through the doors of the Minneapolis/St. Paul International Airport to meet his new papa and sister for the very first time.
I will be the first to tell you, the little boy in that video is not the same child who lives with us. Oh, how he has changed!
The lines on our measuring wall say that Axel has grown 2 1/2 inches and gained 7 lbs since arriving home. Some of his size 6 pants are too short, and others will be packed away soon as well. He's now wearing a 7 slim. He is still a very little guy at 10 1/2 years old, and certainly doesn't look his age. He is much smaller than the kids with DS in his Special Ed. class who are 2 and 3 years younger than him.
Axel had only been with ME for 16 days in the video above. He had no idea what we were saying to him unless I signed it, and of course he didn't understand all that much sign either. "Eat", "drink", "more", etc. He had somewhere around 20 signs that he used on his own when we came home. One week later he had 56. He had figured out that when I signed it was communication. I was giving him the name of everything I could. (I still do!) In the video you see him imitate the sign for "flower". Now, four months later, Axel undestands almost everything I sign TO him (as a former ASL interpreter I am fluent in ASL) and he knows over 600 signs that he uses on his own. In fact, he has a bigger vocabulary than the staff at his school...which is an issue we're addressing. Axel is a communicator, and has figured out who can sign and who can't. He knows that Papa struggles, so will sometimes just take Dean's hand and bring him to something. With me he knows he just has to sign and I'll get it. But even better, if he doesn't know the sign for something he will make one up!
Now, go back and watch the video again, and watch Axel with the balloons. See how he rocks back and forth from one foot to another? See how he shakes the balloons? At the very end of the balloon playing you see him rocking his head and his eyes are glassed over. This is all self-stimming behavior. We haven't seen it in AGES. In fact, I used to turn music on in his room and all he could think to do was rock back and forth on his feet, bobbing his head and flipping his fingers. Now he requests music by name (he wants certain CD's at certain times.) and listens to it while he plays with toys. Sometimes he gets his toy guitar out and pretends he's playing the music himself. In the past three months I've only seen stimming like this when he has been incredibly stressed: After his very first day of school, after BIG medical appointments, after his first ride on the school bus.
When I got Axel, his foster mother told me he was not night-time toilet trained, nor was he ready. The first four nights that I had him, he woke up soaked every morning. (I had brought pull-ups along, thank goodness!) Then one morning he was dry...and the next...and the next. The entire rest of the time we were in Serbia he was dry. When we came home we had to start over again, but I waited until he'd been home a month to give him some time to settle in. Axel has been night-time trained since the beginning of February.
When Axel first came home, everything was new and strange. Every day there was something he hadn't seen or done before. Watching all of these "firsts" for him has been an amazing experience for us! His first time on a swing, his first time bowling, sliding down a GIANT hill in Christmas morning. (before we knew about his neck!) Now he is used to his new world. There are still many new experiences for him, but they're not necessarily happening on a daily basis. There were so many things we were excited for him to be able to experience this summer; all things that will now be on hold until next year when he's fully recovered from his spinal fusion. We're o.k. with that, most of the time.
Axel knows his way around town now! He knows when we go past the street where his school is, he knows when we're near Angela's school. He tells me a mile before we approach McDonalds, and he tells me where the grocery store is. Now that the weather is nice, he's come to realize we have neighbors! And sometimes there are people outside in this neighborhood of ours. Because we sit up high on a hill, he enjoys being able to look down on the neighbor's houses. He also likes playing out on the driveway with his nerf guns. The other day I went out to check on him. He'd had 3 darts from his gun, but was now down to two. I asked him where the other one went, and he just looked at the ground, very guilty-like. But, he couldn't keep his eyes from looking up at the rooftop behind me. I turned to look and sure enough, there was the nerf bullet. I laughed, and told him sometimes that wind likes to play with nerf toys too, and when Papa gets home he'll get it down.
I will be the first to tell you, the little boy in that video is not the same child who lives with us. Oh, how he has changed!
The lines on our measuring wall say that Axel has grown 2 1/2 inches and gained 7 lbs since arriving home. Some of his size 6 pants are too short, and others will be packed away soon as well. He's now wearing a 7 slim. He is still a very little guy at 10 1/2 years old, and certainly doesn't look his age. He is much smaller than the kids with DS in his Special Ed. class who are 2 and 3 years younger than him.
Axel had only been with ME for 16 days in the video above. He had no idea what we were saying to him unless I signed it, and of course he didn't understand all that much sign either. "Eat", "drink", "more", etc. He had somewhere around 20 signs that he used on his own when we came home. One week later he had 56. He had figured out that when I signed it was communication. I was giving him the name of everything I could. (I still do!) In the video you see him imitate the sign for "flower". Now, four months later, Axel undestands almost everything I sign TO him (as a former ASL interpreter I am fluent in ASL) and he knows over 600 signs that he uses on his own. In fact, he has a bigger vocabulary than the staff at his school...which is an issue we're addressing. Axel is a communicator, and has figured out who can sign and who can't. He knows that Papa struggles, so will sometimes just take Dean's hand and bring him to something. With me he knows he just has to sign and I'll get it. But even better, if he doesn't know the sign for something he will make one up!
Now, go back and watch the video again, and watch Axel with the balloons. See how he rocks back and forth from one foot to another? See how he shakes the balloons? At the very end of the balloon playing you see him rocking his head and his eyes are glassed over. This is all self-stimming behavior. We haven't seen it in AGES. In fact, I used to turn music on in his room and all he could think to do was rock back and forth on his feet, bobbing his head and flipping his fingers. Now he requests music by name (he wants certain CD's at certain times.) and listens to it while he plays with toys. Sometimes he gets his toy guitar out and pretends he's playing the music himself. In the past three months I've only seen stimming like this when he has been incredibly stressed: After his very first day of school, after BIG medical appointments, after his first ride on the school bus.
When I got Axel, his foster mother told me he was not night-time toilet trained, nor was he ready. The first four nights that I had him, he woke up soaked every morning. (I had brought pull-ups along, thank goodness!) Then one morning he was dry...and the next...and the next. The entire rest of the time we were in Serbia he was dry. When we came home we had to start over again, but I waited until he'd been home a month to give him some time to settle in. Axel has been night-time trained since the beginning of February.
When Axel first came home, everything was new and strange. Every day there was something he hadn't seen or done before. Watching all of these "firsts" for him has been an amazing experience for us! His first time on a swing, his first time bowling, sliding down a GIANT hill in Christmas morning. (before we knew about his neck!) Now he is used to his new world. There are still many new experiences for him, but they're not necessarily happening on a daily basis. There were so many things we were excited for him to be able to experience this summer; all things that will now be on hold until next year when he's fully recovered from his spinal fusion. We're o.k. with that, most of the time.
Axel knows his way around town now! He knows when we go past the street where his school is, he knows when we're near Angela's school. He tells me a mile before we approach McDonalds, and he tells me where the grocery store is. Now that the weather is nice, he's come to realize we have neighbors! And sometimes there are people outside in this neighborhood of ours. Because we sit up high on a hill, he enjoys being able to look down on the neighbor's houses. He also likes playing out on the driveway with his nerf guns. The other day I went out to check on him. He'd had 3 darts from his gun, but was now down to two. I asked him where the other one went, and he just looked at the ground, very guilty-like. But, he couldn't keep his eyes from looking up at the rooftop behind me. I turned to look and sure enough, there was the nerf bullet. I laughed, and told him sometimes that wind likes to play with nerf toys too, and when Papa gets home he'll get it down.
If you look up at the picture on the blog header, you'll see that Axel has one eye closed more than the other. In person, his face was very asymmetrical, and it was quite pronounced. You can kind of see it in this picture, which was taken on about day 14 with me.
A couple weeks home you can still see it.
Here are some recent pictures:
Really, I have to say, he doesn't even look like the same kid as the one in my blog header, or who was with me in Serbia just four months ago. The puffiness under his eyes is gone. The asymmetry is gone. How? How does that happen?
Months ago I showed you is rotted teeth. He was petrified of the dentist chair, and I had to hold him on my lap and wrap him with my body for the dentist to get even a cursory look in his mouth.
After having 6 teeth removed and 10 restored, he now has a beautiful smile. He can also eat anything he wants without fear of pain. He loves to brush his teeth. Yesterday he sat in the dentist chair all by himself and opened his mouth WIDE for the dentist to take a look! ANd....drumroll please...he has THREE new teeth!!!!
Axel knows who his family is, and where is "home". He talks about Angela all the time, and has now come to realize that some things in the house are his, and some are Angela's. When Angela is away he often picks up items of hers and signs her name, as if to say, "This is Angela's. I'm going to keep it for her until she comes back." He is SO VERY EXCITED whenever Angela comes home. He truly misses her! Axel ADORES his Papa more than anyone else in the world. The PURE GLEE that overcomes him when Papa comes home from work is more than one heart can take. He hops and and down and claps his hands. PAPA IS HOME! Whenever we're gone somewhere an pull in the driveway, Axel hollers "Home!" from the back seat. His bus driver says he does this as they turn onto our street. If Papa gets him off the bus, Axel is quick to sign, "Mama" and points to the house. He's asking, "Is Mama home?" I won't go so far as to say he's excited that I'm here. I think he just wants to know so that if I'm NOT home he can start planning the adventure he's going to have with Papa! LOL
The little boy you see in my blog header is gone. Not only does this little boy know his name, he can also fingerspell it or write it with a pencil. He knows all the letters of the alphabet and his numbers 0-20. He can tell you when it's windy outside, or raining. That the sun is shining and he is hot....or thirsty. He knows all his colors, and how to hit a hockey puck with a stick. He can manage the mouse on a computer and navigate some games. He rides a bus to school, and can tell the other kids when it's time to "line up". He eats lunch in the lunchroom AND finishes in time!
This is the new Axel. A little boy who is self confident and knows what he wants. He knows he belongs, and that he is loved. This is our boy. Our Axel
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Tears Today
Today I was catching up on my friend Meghan's blog. They're currently in Eastern Europe completing the adoption of their newest child, Masha. As I was reading a post from last week, I read this sentence: "This was the first time I had been left alone with Masha, just the 2 of us. I held her close, brushed her hair out of her eyes & told her I loved her & that she would soon be coming home."
I remember the feeling of touching Ianna's face. Of tucking her hair behind her ears. Seeing her smile at the attention, and the caring touch. I vowed to find her a family, and I did. My family.
But the end is very different. I don't get to tell her she'll be coming home soon. My heart, which had been healing, is broken again today. Lord, why this child? Why must she suffer? How is this fair to an innocent child?
We have not stopped praying for Ianna. We think of her every day. She lead us to Axel, who all of us adore. Ianna opened Dean's heart, and showed him there was room enough to love another child. For that God, I am grateful. But it can't be over. It can't end that way. If only there was something I could do to make the ending different.
I remember the feeling of touching Ianna's face. Of tucking her hair behind her ears. Seeing her smile at the attention, and the caring touch. I vowed to find her a family, and I did. My family.
But the end is very different. I don't get to tell her she'll be coming home soon. My heart, which had been healing, is broken again today. Lord, why this child? Why must she suffer? How is this fair to an innocent child?
We have not stopped praying for Ianna. We think of her every day. She lead us to Axel, who all of us adore. Ianna opened Dean's heart, and showed him there was room enough to love another child. For that God, I am grateful. But it can't be over. It can't end that way. If only there was something I could do to make the ending different.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Not Legally Registered for Adoption
I have lost count how many people have contacted me about Serbian adoptions lately. So many families who were considering adopting from Serbia, only to find out things were not as they seem. I am here to tell you, Serbian adoptions are not "on hold". They never have been, and there is no reason to believe they will be in the near future. One only needs to contact the Serbian Ministry of Labor and Social policy directly to ask questions. They are always very quick to respond, and are eager to work with families interested in adopting from Serbia.
A year ago, when I met Ianna, Dean and I decided to pursue her adoption only to find out a couple months down the road that not only was she not legally available for adoption, but her parental rights had not yet been terminated. Her picture had been listed on a popular photo listing website for somewhere around two years at that point. That was the fault of the facilitator who has since been found to be working unethically. Illegally, in fact.
When we decided to pursue the adoption of Axel, I was shocked, along with many others, at how quickly his adoption was completed. As happy as I was, my guard went up, and I began to look at the big picture and put some things together.
You see, previously adoptive families sent their dossier directly to the facilitator. (This is another post in itself, but lets just say handing over your financial information is a lot like this post. ) The dossiers were then brought to a court approved translator within Serbia. Once translated they were then delivered to the Ministry officials. If the family was seeking a child who was legally registered for international adoption, a travel date was immediately issued.
So why were there families who, several months after submitting their paperwork, were still waiting? Why had they heard NOTHING from the facilitator about a travel date? Let me restate this sentence: If the family was seeking a child who was legally registered for international adoption, a travel date was immediately issued.
Yes, several families who were waiting for travel dates have since discovered the children they hoped to adopt were not, nor have they ever been, legally available for adoption. Just like us with Ianna, their hearts were left broken. Like us, these they have asked if there is anything the can do to help, even if it means going to Serbia to beg and plead a case for the child.
I am deeply saddened for these families. At least one child is in serious need of surgical care that is not available where he is. In fact, three families I know of were hurried along, and told to get their paperwork done quickly, because these children needed to get into their homes as soon as possible. Two children had been waiting years, and another's health was failing fast. Each family completed their paperwork.....then nothing. No child. No adoption. Interestingly, though not legally available, one of these children is still pictured on a popular adoption photo-listing website.
The Serbian ministry is working with these families in whatever way they can, but they cannot just register children for international adoption who are not legally available. I have to say, I am very impressed with the Ministry of Labor and Social Policy in Serbia. They were quick to act upon an issue of unethical practices in the adoption process, as their aim is to keep the process 100% transparent. For the protection of children, you will not find photos listed anywhere at this time. (If they are listed, they are not being posted legally.) Instead, you can contact the Ministry directly for more information about the children who are on the International Adoption Registry. As long as you have a pre-approval from them to adopt a child from Serbia, they will tell you what children meet the specifications you're looking for. Officials are quick to return emails and answer questions, and are anxious to see their beautiful children find a way into the homes of forever families.
Over the course of the last several months, particularly in the last week, Dean and I have come to the agreement that we can no longer support individual family fundraising efforts through any organization. We will continue to contribute, but our donations will be made directly to the adoptive families. We don't care about the tax deduction, we care about the families and the children they are hoping to bring home. As for the families mentioned above, people have donated money to the families who were hoping to adopt these children. People who made those donations need to contact the organization involved and find out what is happening with those funds since those children are not able to be adopted at this time.
A year ago, when I met Ianna, Dean and I decided to pursue her adoption only to find out a couple months down the road that not only was she not legally available for adoption, but her parental rights had not yet been terminated. Her picture had been listed on a popular photo listing website for somewhere around two years at that point. That was the fault of the facilitator who has since been found to be working unethically. Illegally, in fact.
When we decided to pursue the adoption of Axel, I was shocked, along with many others, at how quickly his adoption was completed. As happy as I was, my guard went up, and I began to look at the big picture and put some things together.
You see, previously adoptive families sent their dossier directly to the facilitator. (This is another post in itself, but lets just say handing over your financial information is a lot like this post. ) The dossiers were then brought to a court approved translator within Serbia. Once translated they were then delivered to the Ministry officials. If the family was seeking a child who was legally registered for international adoption, a travel date was immediately issued.
So why were there families who, several months after submitting their paperwork, were still waiting? Why had they heard NOTHING from the facilitator about a travel date? Let me restate this sentence: If the family was seeking a child who was legally registered for international adoption, a travel date was immediately issued.
Yes, several families who were waiting for travel dates have since discovered the children they hoped to adopt were not, nor have they ever been, legally available for adoption. Just like us with Ianna, their hearts were left broken. Like us, these they have asked if there is anything the can do to help, even if it means going to Serbia to beg and plead a case for the child.
I am deeply saddened for these families. At least one child is in serious need of surgical care that is not available where he is. In fact, three families I know of were hurried along, and told to get their paperwork done quickly, because these children needed to get into their homes as soon as possible. Two children had been waiting years, and another's health was failing fast. Each family completed their paperwork.....then nothing. No child. No adoption. Interestingly, though not legally available, one of these children is still pictured on a popular adoption photo-listing website.
The Serbian ministry is working with these families in whatever way they can, but they cannot just register children for international adoption who are not legally available. I have to say, I am very impressed with the Ministry of Labor and Social Policy in Serbia. They were quick to act upon an issue of unethical practices in the adoption process, as their aim is to keep the process 100% transparent. For the protection of children, you will not find photos listed anywhere at this time. (If they are listed, they are not being posted legally.) Instead, you can contact the Ministry directly for more information about the children who are on the International Adoption Registry. As long as you have a pre-approval from them to adopt a child from Serbia, they will tell you what children meet the specifications you're looking for. Officials are quick to return emails and answer questions, and are anxious to see their beautiful children find a way into the homes of forever families.
Over the course of the last several months, particularly in the last week, Dean and I have come to the agreement that we can no longer support individual family fundraising efforts through any organization. We will continue to contribute, but our donations will be made directly to the adoptive families. We don't care about the tax deduction, we care about the families and the children they are hoping to bring home. As for the families mentioned above, people have donated money to the families who were hoping to adopt these children. People who made those donations need to contact the organization involved and find out what is happening with those funds since those children are not able to be adopted at this time.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Shepherds and Sheep
Once there was a shepherd who was responsible for the safety of a small flock of sheep. He carefully watched out for their well-being, particularly as they made their way through a certain mountain pass each day.
Each year many shepherds lost sheep while traversing that pass. Even though it was known to be full of wolves and other predators, the shepherds' attention would be lost to the beauty before them; the magnificent mountains, the streams, etc. But there was something special about this pass. It was known as Rainbow Pass because of the many rainbows that would appear spanning from one mountain peak to another, washing the area in brilliant colors. The sheep follow the shepherd blindly, because they have to. There is nobody else to lead them through the pass. Some of the sheep, the ones who've been through the pass many times, know the dangers to look for and their guard is up.
Still, the wolves learned to take advantage of the rainbows, and while the shepherds were oohing and aahing at their brilliance, sheep would be stolen, or at very least badly injured.
One shepherd, having been warned about the wovles, took great care to learn the territory well, and figure out where the wolves hide most.
One day, as he was leading his sheep to the entrance of the pass, he met another shepherd. They decided to walk their two herds together through the pass. A couple of sheep became restless. They raised the alarm and tried to warn the shepherd. They said he didn't smell like a shephard, and their instict said to flee. Still, the shepard didn't listen. Besides, this new shepherd knew how to talk to the sheep just like all the other shepherds.
You see, there was one wolf who was particularly cunning; so much so that it didn't even look like a wolf. Imagine the surprise on the real shepherds face when he handed over his flock of sheep, only to see that it was really a wolf who was now baring his teeth to take a bite out of one of the lambs. Even though the real shepherd was warned, that wolf still got a taste of his sheep. Why? Because he didn't expect the wolf to look like a shepherd. Even though he was a smart and good shepherd, he discovered he could still be outsmarted by the wolves.
Let me tell you something. It's a little known secret about the international adoption community.
It's a lot like the shepherd and his sheep.
It's only natural that families adopting from the same country tend to flock together. Families who are adopting within the same time frame are likely too seek out others who are at a similar place in their process. Sharing information is incredibly helpful to those who are next in line, and the support families give one another is invaluable. Afterall, they'll be traveling the same mountain pass and they want to know what to look for, both good and bad.
There is another sub-group of the international adoption community; those families adopting children with special needs, especially if they've "met" via the same adoption agency or organization. They all follow the same shepherd. It's a very tight group, because there is safety in numbers.
And there are wolves disguised as shepherds all along the way. They look for the sheep who are easy to take advantage of. Because they look just like a shepherd, information is handed to them that only helps them reach their goal. They even learn how to talk to the sheep to calm their fears. When one sheep becomes suspicious, the wolf assures the others that the suspicious sheep are wrong, and there is no reason to be afraid.
I have spent the past several months among the sheep, the shepherds...and the wolves. I have learned some things.
I have learned how it feels to be called a liar because I raised the warning flag. Because some people didn't experience what I did, that somehow made me wrong. When the proverbial wolf walked a very careful line after I raised the flag, even more people ostracized me saying I was just trying to scare the them. When other families came forward with the same warnings, and it was verified by people right in the midst of it all, still it was ignored.
Now families sit in shock wondering what to do and who to trust.
No apologies from anyone, instead only rumors and gossip.
Let me put an end to those rumors now.
If you didn't hear it from me, you can consider it an ugly rumor. This includes garbage about my starting my own adoption agency or orphan photo listing website. It includes rumors that I was/am trying to stop adoptions from Serbia. Everything that I've written about on my blog was true, and I when I experienced problems in my adoption I brought them to the attention of both the agency and organization involved.
I was ignored. Then I was removed from the group because I rocked the boat.
For some, it even states in your contract with your adoption agency that you are not to talk to the government officials in the country you're adopting from, effectively preventing you from protecting yourselves.
To those families who are now stuck in the middle of adoptions, I am deeply sorry you're going through this. It is not fair that you were dragged right into the middle of the mountain pass when the appropriate warnings were given to protect you.
Each year many shepherds lost sheep while traversing that pass. Even though it was known to be full of wolves and other predators, the shepherds' attention would be lost to the beauty before them; the magnificent mountains, the streams, etc. But there was something special about this pass. It was known as Rainbow Pass because of the many rainbows that would appear spanning from one mountain peak to another, washing the area in brilliant colors. The sheep follow the shepherd blindly, because they have to. There is nobody else to lead them through the pass. Some of the sheep, the ones who've been through the pass many times, know the dangers to look for and their guard is up.
Still, the wolves learned to take advantage of the rainbows, and while the shepherds were oohing and aahing at their brilliance, sheep would be stolen, or at very least badly injured.
One shepherd, having been warned about the wovles, took great care to learn the territory well, and figure out where the wolves hide most.
One day, as he was leading his sheep to the entrance of the pass, he met another shepherd. They decided to walk their two herds together through the pass. A couple of sheep became restless. They raised the alarm and tried to warn the shepherd. They said he didn't smell like a shephard, and their instict said to flee. Still, the shepard didn't listen. Besides, this new shepherd knew how to talk to the sheep just like all the other shepherds.
You see, there was one wolf who was particularly cunning; so much so that it didn't even look like a wolf. Imagine the surprise on the real shepherds face when he handed over his flock of sheep, only to see that it was really a wolf who was now baring his teeth to take a bite out of one of the lambs. Even though the real shepherd was warned, that wolf still got a taste of his sheep. Why? Because he didn't expect the wolf to look like a shepherd. Even though he was a smart and good shepherd, he discovered he could still be outsmarted by the wolves.
Let me tell you something. It's a little known secret about the international adoption community.
It's a lot like the shepherd and his sheep.
It's only natural that families adopting from the same country tend to flock together. Families who are adopting within the same time frame are likely too seek out others who are at a similar place in their process. Sharing information is incredibly helpful to those who are next in line, and the support families give one another is invaluable. Afterall, they'll be traveling the same mountain pass and they want to know what to look for, both good and bad.
There is another sub-group of the international adoption community; those families adopting children with special needs, especially if they've "met" via the same adoption agency or organization. They all follow the same shepherd. It's a very tight group, because there is safety in numbers.
And there are wolves disguised as shepherds all along the way. They look for the sheep who are easy to take advantage of. Because they look just like a shepherd, information is handed to them that only helps them reach their goal. They even learn how to talk to the sheep to calm their fears. When one sheep becomes suspicious, the wolf assures the others that the suspicious sheep are wrong, and there is no reason to be afraid.
I have spent the past several months among the sheep, the shepherds...and the wolves. I have learned some things.
I have learned how it feels to be called a liar because I raised the warning flag. Because some people didn't experience what I did, that somehow made me wrong. When the proverbial wolf walked a very careful line after I raised the flag, even more people ostracized me saying I was just trying to scare the them. When other families came forward with the same warnings, and it was verified by people right in the midst of it all, still it was ignored.
Now families sit in shock wondering what to do and who to trust.
No apologies from anyone, instead only rumors and gossip.
Let me put an end to those rumors now.
If you didn't hear it from me, you can consider it an ugly rumor. This includes garbage about my starting my own adoption agency or orphan photo listing website. It includes rumors that I was/am trying to stop adoptions from Serbia. Everything that I've written about on my blog was true, and I when I experienced problems in my adoption I brought them to the attention of both the agency and organization involved.
I was ignored. Then I was removed from the group because I rocked the boat.
For some, it even states in your contract with your adoption agency that you are not to talk to the government officials in the country you're adopting from, effectively preventing you from protecting yourselves.
To those families who are now stuck in the middle of adoptions, I am deeply sorry you're going through this. It is not fair that you were dragged right into the middle of the mountain pass when the appropriate warnings were given to protect you.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
So Stink'in Smart!
I posted this on my other blog today, but I know not everyone reads over there. Anyway, here's a bit of what Axel is working on now.
Axel is learning SO fast! He's picking up cuing a little at a time, AND learning to read. Wow....amazing. In this video, you see him cue the chunk "an", then he has to find it in the words (or non-sense words) on the worksheet and circle them. Part of the reason I'm using Cued Speech with Axel is it makes him understandable. He cannot say the sound "n" at this point, and cuing gives him a way to show he recognizes it even without being able to actually say it. He can cue the SOUNDS (not the letter, the SOUND) "a" or "n" independently, and he can put them together to make "an". LOVE CUED SPEECH!
Axel is learning SO fast! He's picking up cuing a little at a time, AND learning to read. Wow....amazing. In this video, you see him cue the chunk "an", then he has to find it in the words (or non-sense words) on the worksheet and circle them. Part of the reason I'm using Cued Speech with Axel is it makes him understandable. He cannot say the sound "n" at this point, and cuing gives him a way to show he recognizes it even without being able to actually say it. He can cue the SOUNDS (not the letter, the SOUND) "a" or "n" independently, and he can put them together to make "an". LOVE CUED SPEECH!
Monday, March 7, 2011
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Removal
Yep, I just had a blog post up, and I removed it. I can do that. But this post is about another type of removal.
I have been part of a certain adoption community for the past couple of years. In the process of our adoption, and since bringing Axel home I have gleaned much information from the group. Since bringing him home, the support I've received by reading within that group has been immeasurable. A couple days ago I was removed from a community. No explanation was given for my removal, nor emails returned. I have not done or said anything to anyone within the group that would warrant such action.
What I DID do, was I DID bring to light, without pointing fingers or naming names, some things that were happening during our adoption process, and after I did, other families came forward to say the same thing had happened to them, I was just the first one to speak up about it. If people don't speak up when they run into a problem, it perpetuates it, and causes the families coming behind them to deal with the same issues or sometimes even worse.
Speaking your opinion in some communities is bad. Being a whistleblower is even worse. Emails were sent out to all the families who previously adopted from the same country we did, which were forwarded to me by several of those people. People were warned to stay away from me. That I am a liar and only telling 1/2 truths. The only truth left for me to post would be actual names and dates and dollar amounts that we were asked for above and beyond what was agreed upon in our adoption. I would be more than happy to post those things, but they would only jeopardize the adoptions that other families are hoping to complete in the next couple of months. And really, posting those details would only add to the "he said/she said" junk that is going on. I won't be pulled into that game any further.
I was even blamed, and told that if something happened to the adoption program in that country, it would be on my shoulders. Wow...if one single person holds that much power, it's a pretty weak program to begin with. But wait...one person DID hold that much power, and put fear into the hearts of parents, including myself, who were doing nothing more than trying to get their children home. Because I and others did speak up, there were changes made so the families who are coming behind me won't be running into the same problems I and other families faced. Because a light has been shined on them, some people are now watching their steps a bit closer and being held slightly more accountable.
It is my personal opinion that if a person or organization only has one or two contacts within a country, the information they receive is going to be severely slanted. It's never good to have only one option. I was lucky. Just days before I left to get Axel, God put me in contact with an entire pool of other people, and I have since met several more. When one person doesn't know the answer to a question, I have others I can go to. Best of all, there is no longer a gatekeeper to deal with. I can get my information directly from the source and not have to worry weather or not what I'm being told is the truth.
I am so over it. I'm tired of sitting behind the scenes, watching the stuff that is talked about behind the backs of families. Personal information that is shared by "professionals" to others who have no business having the information, totally disrespecting any form of privacy to those families. Weather those families were/are in the wrong or not, privacy still needs to be respected. And when other families were discussed in the way they were, it leaves no doubt in my mind how my family has been discussed with others.
Although we have lost much of our support system, we have something better. We have truth.
I have been part of a certain adoption community for the past couple of years. In the process of our adoption, and since bringing Axel home I have gleaned much information from the group. Since bringing him home, the support I've received by reading within that group has been immeasurable. A couple days ago I was removed from a community. No explanation was given for my removal, nor emails returned. I have not done or said anything to anyone within the group that would warrant such action.
What I DID do, was I DID bring to light, without pointing fingers or naming names, some things that were happening during our adoption process, and after I did, other families came forward to say the same thing had happened to them, I was just the first one to speak up about it. If people don't speak up when they run into a problem, it perpetuates it, and causes the families coming behind them to deal with the same issues or sometimes even worse.
Speaking your opinion in some communities is bad. Being a whistleblower is even worse. Emails were sent out to all the families who previously adopted from the same country we did, which were forwarded to me by several of those people. People were warned to stay away from me. That I am a liar and only telling 1/2 truths. The only truth left for me to post would be actual names and dates and dollar amounts that we were asked for above and beyond what was agreed upon in our adoption. I would be more than happy to post those things, but they would only jeopardize the adoptions that other families are hoping to complete in the next couple of months. And really, posting those details would only add to the "he said/she said" junk that is going on. I won't be pulled into that game any further.
I was even blamed, and told that if something happened to the adoption program in that country, it would be on my shoulders. Wow...if one single person holds that much power, it's a pretty weak program to begin with. But wait...one person DID hold that much power, and put fear into the hearts of parents, including myself, who were doing nothing more than trying to get their children home. Because I and others did speak up, there were changes made so the families who are coming behind me won't be running into the same problems I and other families faced. Because a light has been shined on them, some people are now watching their steps a bit closer and being held slightly more accountable.
It is my personal opinion that if a person or organization only has one or two contacts within a country, the information they receive is going to be severely slanted. It's never good to have only one option. I was lucky. Just days before I left to get Axel, God put me in contact with an entire pool of other people, and I have since met several more. When one person doesn't know the answer to a question, I have others I can go to. Best of all, there is no longer a gatekeeper to deal with. I can get my information directly from the source and not have to worry weather or not what I'm being told is the truth.
I am so over it. I'm tired of sitting behind the scenes, watching the stuff that is talked about behind the backs of families. Personal information that is shared by "professionals" to others who have no business having the information, totally disrespecting any form of privacy to those families. Weather those families were/are in the wrong or not, privacy still needs to be respected. And when other families were discussed in the way they were, it leaves no doubt in my mind how my family has been discussed with others.
Although we have lost much of our support system, we have something better. We have truth.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Update
Yes, we are updating...our homestudy.
We do not know the who/where/what (as in boy or girl) yet. Our hearts and minds are open and that's all we can do for now. We continue to pray for the specific children who've had our hearts for months, that God will keep them safe. We are moving forward in blind faith; belief that does not rest on logical proof or material evidence.
We do not know the who/where/what (as in boy or girl) yet. Our hearts and minds are open and that's all we can do for now. We continue to pray for the specific children who've had our hearts for months, that God will keep them safe. We are moving forward in blind faith; belief that does not rest on logical proof or material evidence.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Answers to Questions
Well, it is no surprise I have had many questions today. Some privately and some in blog comments. The questions asked in blog comments that included names have not been published for obvious reasons.
I cannot give you any more information on my blog that what I have already included. There are other families working on adoptions in that country, some traveling now or at least very shortly, and they deserve to have a positive adoption experience, which I'm sure they will. I'm very excited to see their children coming home!
If you have a question, please ask privately via email at deanleah at comcast dot net
I cannot give you any more information on my blog that what I have already included. There are other families working on adoptions in that country, some traveling now or at least very shortly, and they deserve to have a positive adoption experience, which I'm sure they will. I'm very excited to see their children coming home!
If you have a question, please ask privately via email at deanleah at comcast dot net
Crossroads with broken hearts
Some of you were around back in December, when I was in country adopting Axel and checked up on Ianna. I wrote an update about her in this post.
We found out a several weeks ago that she is not in a foster home, but in another institution. We found out two weeks ago that her health is very bad. "Life threatening". We found out yesterday that the Ministry will no longer do anything about her legal status because her health is too bad, and that "at this time, adoption either domestically or internationally is not in her best interest." They said it could change if her health improves, but this is highly unlikely. Because she is NOT able to be adopted, they could not give me any more information than that.
Our hearts ache for this child. I know that she is in pain. Her vision is most likely gone. She is suffering.
So, Dean and I are at a crossroads. We have the ability to adopt one more time, but the time to complete a second adoption is very limited. Eastern European governments shut down for much of the summer, and I go back to school in September. This particular country has the fastest process, and I'm now able to work directly through the ministry and not have to deal with unscrupulous people.
We are praying that if there is another child who is to be filling our last empty bedroom, that God make him or her known to us. Angela really wants a sister. We want whatever God wants.
We found out a several weeks ago that she is not in a foster home, but in another institution. We found out two weeks ago that her health is very bad. "Life threatening". We found out yesterday that the Ministry will no longer do anything about her legal status because her health is too bad, and that "at this time, adoption either domestically or internationally is not in her best interest." They said it could change if her health improves, but this is highly unlikely. Because she is NOT able to be adopted, they could not give me any more information than that.
Our hearts ache for this child. I know that she is in pain. Her vision is most likely gone. She is suffering.
So, Dean and I are at a crossroads. We have the ability to adopt one more time, but the time to complete a second adoption is very limited. Eastern European governments shut down for much of the summer, and I go back to school in September. This particular country has the fastest process, and I'm now able to work directly through the ministry and not have to deal with unscrupulous people.
We are praying that if there is another child who is to be filling our last empty bedroom, that God make him or her known to us. Angela really wants a sister. We want whatever God wants.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Update on Axel
Axel is doing fantastic! I can't even begin to describe how amazing this child is.
That said, if you're not following my other blog then you may not know that Axel was diagnosed with AAI. He has already suffered damage to the space that contains the Cerebral Spinal Fluid, as well as to his spinal cord from too much movement between the vertabrae. He also has damage to the disk between c2 and c3.
Next week he and I are headed to Shriner's Children's Hospital in Philadelphia to meet with the surgeon who will be doing Axel's spinal fusion. Once the surgery is done Axel will then be in a halo for 6 months following surgery.
Axel can use all the prayers he can get! Because he already has damage to his spinal cord, he is at significant risk of catastrophic spinal cord injury. There is a button below that you're welcome to share by copying the code beneath it. All further updates about the surgery will be on my regular blog. Also, I am *trying* to get Angela contributing to her blog more (mostly via video) which is kinda fun to read.
That said, if you're not following my other blog then you may not know that Axel was diagnosed with AAI. He has already suffered damage to the space that contains the Cerebral Spinal Fluid, as well as to his spinal cord from too much movement between the vertabrae. He also has damage to the disk between c2 and c3.
Next week he and I are headed to Shriner's Children's Hospital in Philadelphia to meet with the surgeon who will be doing Axel's spinal fusion. Once the surgery is done Axel will then be in a halo for 6 months following surgery.
Axel can use all the prayers he can get! Because he already has damage to his spinal cord, he is at significant risk of catastrophic spinal cord injury. There is a button below that you're welcome to share by copying the code beneath it. All further updates about the surgery will be on my regular blog. Also, I am *trying* to get Angela contributing to her blog more (mostly via video) which is kinda fun to read.
Monday, January 31, 2011
CoC
Axel has been home for 48 days today, and today his Certificate of Citizenship arrived. This certificate gives him the same rights that every American has if they were born here in the U.S.
That means tomorrow he and I will be taking a trip down to the Social Security office to apply for his social security number.
That means tomorrow he and I will be taking a trip down to the Social Security office to apply for his social security number.
Prayers please
I can't go into specifics right now, but we need prayers for our next step. LOTS of them. Hopefully in a week or so I'll be able to be more detailed.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Waiting
Picture an old-fashioned covered porch, with a rocking chair, in the stillness of the countryside. There is someone sitting in that chair. Quietly rocking. Watching the world go by. Quietly waiting. Always waiting. Always rocking. Patiently waiting. Then IT will happen. The waiting will end and the person will get up and walk down the porch steps. Moving because the waiting has ended.
I am the person.
Waiting.
And when the waiting ends, I will get up and DO. When the waiting ends, the doing begins.
I am waiting to do something.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Amazing!
Do you want to know how amazing our God is? You KNOW you do!
In 2009, there were 76 children who found their forever families through Reece's Rainbow.
In 2010 153 children were brought home!!! 153!!! That is almost 3 children per week! LOOK at all the faces of the children who came home this year.
That is how amazing our God is! So many people contributed SO MUCH to help us...the families who adopted...to bring our children home. There was monetary support, there was "behind the scenes" work, there was support.
What do you suppose He is going to do in 2011? I happen to know that 2011 is going to be even better!
In 2009, there were 76 children who found their forever families through Reece's Rainbow.
In 2010 153 children were brought home!!! 153!!! That is almost 3 children per week! LOOK at all the faces of the children who came home this year.
That is how amazing our God is! So many people contributed SO MUCH to help us...the families who adopted...to bring our children home. There was monetary support, there was "behind the scenes" work, there was support.
What do you suppose He is going to do in 2011? I happen to know that 2011 is going to be even better!
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Axel
His name is Axel.
I have now had custody of Axel for 32 days, and he has been home for 19 days.
Since he was never tested we have no idea how long his hearing has been bad. It could be his entire life, or only a few years. Whatever it is, I don't think he ever heard Serbian very well, and I don't know how well he recognized his name when he was there.
His name is Axel.
I have now had custody of Axel for 32 days, and he has been home for 19 days.
Since he was never tested we have no idea how long his hearing has been bad. It could be his entire life, or only a few years. Whatever it is, I don't think he ever heard Serbian very well, and I don't know how well he recognized his name when he was there.
Today I found an old pair of Angela's hearing aids with a volume switch on them (most of the newer aids don't have them anymore) and old ear molds of Angela's that actually sit kind of decent in his ears. To give you an idea how small Axel's ears are, these were Angela's ear molds in 1st grade!!! Angela wore them with the volume at 1.5. For Axel I cranked the volume up to "3".
We sat on the couch, and I whispered his Serbian nickname "Djole" (not sure that's how it's spelled though.) and he didn't recognize it. I said it a little louder, in a normal tone of voice. He didn't turn or flinch or anything. I used his full name "Djordje", and he didn't recognize that either. I turned on a video of some of my Serbian friends saying his name (since they say it correctly and I probably don't!) and he still didn't turn. There was nothing. No reaction.
Then I whispered it. His name. Axel. He turned and gave me a HUGE smile, then signed his name sign. Gave me his silly laugh and went back to what he was doing.
Then I whispered it. His name. Axel. He turned and gave me a HUGE smile, then signed his name sign. Gave me his silly laugh and went back to what he was doing.
His name is Axel.
*note, Axel's birth certificate will still list Djordje as his middle name, so it's not completely gone.*
Friday, December 31, 2010
Major error
Go back and read this post first. Pay particular attention to the paragraph JUST ABOVE where I'm signing the adoption decree.
Fast forward a couple of weeks when Axel and I came home. When the the US Embassy is finished completing the visa, they give you two things: a stack of original documents, and *the sealed envelope* that is the child's visa and is given to Immigration in your port of entry, which for us was Chicago. The originals were to go back to our facilitator, because some of them go back to the city where the adoption took place. (2 hours away.) There were some issues in the last couple of days, and I did not meet with our facilitator. Instead I was instructed where to drop the papers off.
A few days later when we were home, and I was filling out papers for Axel's health insurance, I realized I needed to give then a copy of the birth certificate (and possibly the adoption decree? Not sure on that one.) I realized that when I gave the Visa paperwork to Immigration, the only thing I got back was Axel's passport. I didn't have one single document stating that I had just adopted this child, and that he was mine. I only had a passport that listed his last name being the same as mine.
I called my adoption agency, and the agency staff person said, "Umm...you got out of that country without ANY documents listing him as yours??? How did you do THAT?"
Umm...I have no clue.
The in-country attorney was contacted, and she put the documents in the mail to my adoption agency last week, who would then overnight them to me. They arrived to the agency yesterday.
And here is where the MAJOR error was found on the adoption decree. It was one that I caught at the time I was given the decree to read over, and I pointed it out. The person doing the paperwork turned back to the computer to fix it, then printed it out for me to sign.
I signed. We had the ceremony, and came home a few days later. I did not see the decree again after I signed it.
My adoption agency staff person got the decree and birth certificate yesterday, and found that major error was STILL on the papers, in TWO PLACES!
Honestly, I'm laughing only because that is all I can do at this point. The annoying part is I need these documents to get Axel's insurance in place, and we have a week FULL of appointments coming up!
I'm hoping that for now they could just fax me a copy of the decree for me to use for insurance purposes while we wait for it in the mail. But...it's already the middle of the night there on New Year's day. Lovely.
Don't forget him
How was your Christmas? Did your children enjoy it? Were they inundated with gifts and love from their family?
Picture your child, living in a family but feeling insecure in his place at the table. Why? Because the people around him have told him, "You're not staying here. You're not welcome to stay here. If a family is not found for you soon, you'll go to live in an orphanage for older boys and adults. Prepare yourself, it won't be easy there."
Those are the thoughts Marjan lives with every day.
Marjan is the sweetest boy! When I visited him in his foster home in April, he was appropriately shy for a 9 year old boy. It was clear he was uncomfortable with the adults talking about him as he sat right there on the couch by me. I tried to play some games with him, to keep his ears off the discussion taking place; discussion about how well he was doing in school, how smart he is, but also how it was time for him to move on. He needs to be adopted or he'll be moved.
Marjan's social workers are the same ones who were in charge of Axel's care. The guardian who was assigned to Axel's case is the one responsible for training the foster families in the area. I can tell you, from the care that Axel received, that they have gotten very good training. Marjan's foster brother (who is in his 20's) made sure to tell us many times what a GOOD boy Marjan is, and it was clear he is concerned that is brother find a good family who will love him forever.
Marjan's time is running out! Once he is moved he will no longer be available for adoption. The place where he'll be moved is not a good situation for a 9 year old boy!
Do you have a place at your table for Marjan? Do you have room in your house for his bed? Do you think your kids could handle getting a few less gifts so that Marjan could know a family? Do you think your kids have the ability to learn compassion for another by welcoming a new brother into their home? Do you think you have the ability to love one more child?
If you would like more information about Marjan, you can contact Shelley at About A Child.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Time to move
Now that Axel is home, and learning to be part of our family, it's time to move back over to my main blog, Garden of Eagan. There you'll find me blogging about life with Angela and Axel together, along with all the other things our life involves, such as dogs, motorcycles and general insanity. I will keep this blog open as I continue to post updates about Ianna.
I hope you'll all join me over on my other blog!
I hope you'll all join me over on my other blog!
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